I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Randomize
