dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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