apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
