mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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