I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize