Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
