After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize