worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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