Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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