just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
