it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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