nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize