Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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