Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
