no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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