I met the friendliest cop last night
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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