I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Welp...herpes.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
