so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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