making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
NoShamevember. You game?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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