I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and she was petting her beer can
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
