What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
