I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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