I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
