My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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