Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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