Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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