I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
