She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
