I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
