Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
