i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
