I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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