Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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