I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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