After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
