I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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