Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
