just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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