Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
