Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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