He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
