I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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