It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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