what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
