god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
