There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
