he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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