I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
