How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
