Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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