I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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