don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
