Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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