I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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