I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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