Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
These tits shall not be calmed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
