and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
