he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize